Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe

Your vibe attracts your tribe.

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I ever received was remarkably simple: take a sheet of paper and write down everything you want in a partner.

Honest. Funny. Curious. Kind. Reliable. Easygoing. Adventurous. Generous. Interesting.

Then comes the part most of us conveniently forget:

Become those things yourself.

If you want love, be loving. If you want kindness, practice kindness. If you want curiosity, remain curious. If you want connection, create connection.

We spend an extraordinary amount of time waiting for the world to give us something before we give it anything in return. But relationships, like most worthwhile things in life, tend to work better when we become the source of what we are hoping to receive.

There is something almost magical about that idea, although it probably shouldn’t be. What we pay attention to shapes the way we live. The habits we develop shape the people we become. And the people we become inevitably influence the people we attract and the relationships we create.

The future, in other words, is being built in rather ordinary moments.

Happiness Is a Skill

Being happy in a relationship isn’t something most of us inherit. Nobody hands you a manual at the wedding, although humanity has somehow managed to produce approximately seventeen billion wedding-planning books while largely ignoring the instruction manual for actually living together.

A good relationship is built.

It takes patience, generosity, humor, curiosity, forgiveness and, occasionally, the ability to recognize that winning an argument is considerably less important than keeping the peace.

It also requires choosing carefully.

We don’t get to choose our families. We do, however, have considerably more say in the people we invite into our adult lives.

That distinction matters.

There are people who bring stability, warmth and perspective into a room. There are others who seem to arrive carrying a small weather system with them.

Mental-health conditions can complicate relationships, sometimes profoundly. Personality disorders in particular can affect emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships and a person’s ability to maintain stability. Borderline personality disorder, for example, is a serious condition characterized by patterns that can include intense emotions, difficulty with relationships, impulsivity and an unstable sense of self.

But a diagnosis should never be reduced to a caricature. People with BPD are not simply “chaotic people,” and it is inaccurate to say there is no treatment. Dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, is one evidence-based treatment that was specifically developed for BPD and focuses on skills such as mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.

The larger lesson isn’t about diagnosing other people.

It’s about paying attention to what a relationship actually does to your life.

Does it bring peace or perpetual crisis?

Does it encourage you to become more yourself or less?

Can two people disagree without destroying one another?

Can boundaries exist without becoming battle lines?

Can each person take responsibility for his or her own behavior?

Those questions matter considerably more than whether somebody looks good on paper.

Peace Is Not Boring

I’ve come to believe that chaotic people can sometimes become accustomed to chaos. Drama becomes familiar. Crisis becomes normal. Calm can even feel strange.

But calm isn’t boring.

Peace isn’t emptiness.

A good relationship shouldn’t require you to live permanently on an emotional roller coaster just to prove that you care.

Once you’ve experienced what it feels like to step away from unnecessary chaos, you become considerably less interested in inviting it back into the house.

Which brings us to the question I keep getting:

“How are you not married?”

There are, apparently, rules governing how one is supposed to respond to this question. I have chosen to ignore most of them.

The polite Southern answer is:

“Why do you ask?”

But there are other possibilities.

The Circular Answer

“Why are you single?”

Because I’m not married.

“Why aren’t you married?”

Because I’m single.

Most people will eventually understand the hint.

The Goddess Answer

“I have yet to meet anyone worthy.”

Use sparingly. Humility has its limits.

The Flirt

“Are you trying to make an honest man out of me?”

This one requires careful consideration of your audience. There are situations in which it is charming and situations in which you may shortly find yourself explaining yourself to someone’s husband.

The Rebuke

“That’s none of your business.”

“That’s not a particularly polite question.”

Or simply:

Silent stare.

Never underestimate the power of silence.

The Completely Random Answer

“Oh, bless your heart.”

Or:

“Because…”

“Ooh, shiny!”

Or:

“Hey, is that Brigitte Bardot?”

Or, if circumstances demand something more philosophical:

“Interspecies mating is forbidden by the Council.”

There are questions that deserve answers. There are questions that deserve humor. And there are questions that probably should have remained inside someone’s head.

Happily Single

There is nothing inherently incomplete about being single.

Better to be happily single than miserably coupled.

Better to have a peaceful life than a relationship that requires you to continually rescue, repair, explain, excuse or endure.

And being single isn’t necessarily the absence of love. Quite the opposite.

Your job is to love as much as possible every day.

Love your family. Love your friends. Love the dog asleep beside your chair. Love the horse standing in the pasture. Love a good meal, a cold morning, a river full of trout, a bird rising wild over the cover. Love the people who make you laugh.

And, perhaps most importantly, learn to love yourself without requiring somebody else to certify that you’re worth loving.

Turn toward the things you love.

Build more of them into your life.

Become the kind of person you would want to spend your own life with.

That last part may be the real secret.

People often wonder how they are supposed to love when they feel unloved. How they are supposed to be happy when life isn’t giving them much reason to be happy.

But perhaps the order is backwards.

Maybe love isn’t merely something we find.

Maybe happiness isn’t merely something that happens to us.

Maybe we practice them.

Every day.

And somewhere along the way, we become the kind of person capable of recognizing them when they arrive.

Knowing yourself helps, too. Understanding your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses and your patterns can make you a better partner and a better human being. Tools such as the Enneagram or the Lover Archetype from Lumière can be useful starting points for that kind of self-reflection, provided we treat them as tools for understanding rather than instruction manuals handed down from the heavens.

Because ultimately, relationships aren’t about finding somebody who completes you.

They’re about two people who have each done enough work on themselves that they don’t need to complete each other.

They simply make each other’s lives better.

And that seems like a pretty good reason to take the long way home.

Being in a Happy Relationship

But being happy in a relationship is something you learn. It’s not inherited or given. It’s created by ordinary people with the will and courage to make extraordinary commitments.  All you need is persistence and a good map.  And picking a partner that is free from mental health issues.

But we don’t get to pick our family members and some are more difficult than others.   For instance, the children of BPD parents have a tough road.   Many mental health issues are out there, as shown in the neurodivergent umbrella below, but perhaps the most troubling of all are the ones that defy traditional medication and treatment.  There are 14 million adults in the U.S. who are estimated to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). They make up 2 percent of the general population but 20 percent of psychiatric inpatients. Most are women, and they typically turn the ups and downs of everyday life into a roller-coaster ride of moods. In doing so, they don’t just alienate others around them, they subvert their own life trajectory. Explosively reactive, and often struggling to get a grip on themselves, borderlines have difficulty maintaining stable relationships or even holding down a job.  Borderlines are interpersonal tornadoes.  Chaos and crises, in fact, bring comfort to borderlines. And there is no treatment for Borderlines, although some suggest that dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) may help.  Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of talk therapy (psychotherapy). It’s based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but it’s specially adapted for people who experience emotions very intensely.  Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy that helps people understand how thoughts affect emotions and behaviors.  “Dialectical” means combining opposite ideas. DBT focuses on helping people accept the reality of their lives and their behaviors, as well as helping them learn to change their lives, including their unhelpful behaviors.  Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is especially effective for people who have difficulty managing and regulating their emotions. The main goal of therapists who use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is to strike a balance between validation (acceptance) of who you are and your challenges and the benefits of change.

The structure of dialectical behavior therapy can vary some from therapist to therapist, but, in general, DBT involves these four types of sessions:

DBT pre-assessment.
Individual therapy.
Skills training in groups.
Telephone crisis coaching.
DBT pre-assessment

Individual DBT therapy involves weekly sessions with your therapist. Each session lasts about 40 minutes to 60 minutes.  To help you learn new skills to replace unhelpful behaviors.

DBT skills aim to help enhance your capabilities in day-to-day life. The four skills your therapist will teach include:

Mindfulness: This is the practice of being fully aware and focused in the present instead of worrying about the past or future.
Distress tolerance: This involves understanding and managing your emotions in difficult or stressful situations without responding with harmful behaviors.
Interpersonal effectiveness: This means understanding how to ask for what you want and need and setting boundaries while maintaining respect for yourself and others.
Emotion regulation: This means understanding, being more aware of and having more control over your emotions.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) usually takes at least six months to a year. However, each person is unique, and mental health conditions are complex. You shouldn’t expect to be completely free of symptoms or no longer have problematic behaviors after one year of DBT.  Many therapists believe that the treatment for borderline personality disorder, in particular, can often take several years and others believe it is a lifetime process with no real cure. While there is no specific medication for BPD, certain medications may be prescribed to address specific symptoms or co-occurring conditions. For example, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, or antipsychotic medications might be used.

BPD people are chaotic people often have chaotic lives and are more than happy to throw you into their world of chaos, as this is where they function.

A note on people go back on their word on everything and how to take it.