“Are you married?” asks Basil Alexis Zorba in the movie “Zorba, the Greek”. “Am I not a man? And is not a man stupid? I’m a man, so I’m married. Wife, children, house – everything. The full catastrophe.” But once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain—when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. Once you realized everything changes, there is nothing to hold on to.
When you fully trust someone without any doubt, you finally get one of two results: A person for life or A lesson for life.
Are you in a relationship, or are you in an entanglement?
A relationship is one in which both people are free to be themselves, yet there is no shortage of intimacy. No fear that doing what you love or being who you are or taking time for yourself will drive the other person away.
In a relationship, neither person needs the other to “complete” them. Both people are awake to themselves, their feelings and thoughts, and are open to the flow of love and attention with one another.
It’s about two equals celebrating together rather than “needing” something from the other.
In short, a relationship like this is one where both people are in harmony. And that’s exactly what it feels like: in tune, relaxed, and just plain fun.
Entanglements, on the other hand, look and feel very different.
Signs You’re In An Entanglement
Entanglements may look like a relationship on the surface. You might spend a lot of time together, you’ve met each other’s friends and family, and people refer to you as a “couple.”
But you’re not having a real relationship – at least not one that is characterized by love and harmony.
Here’s what entanglements masquerading as real relationships look like:
1. You keep having the same issues
When you find yourself having the same old argument with your partner for the umpteenth time, that’s a pretty good sign you’re likely in an entanglement. If you had the same problem in your previous relationships, or keep picking partners with similar issues, that’s a tip-off, too. Patterns that repeat – especially from relationship to relationship – indicate that you have unresolved feelings from the past, creating a destructive dynamic that keeps you from enjoying harmony.
2. You don’t feel safe or understood
One of the clearest signs of entanglement is that it is hard for one person to let the other person feel his or her feelings and tell the truth about them. Entanglements feel like you have to shut down a part of yourself. If you’re feeling like your partner just doesn’t get you, and that you’re not free to say exactly what’s on your mind, you know you’re not in a real relationship.
3. Someone always needs to be right
In a real relationship, each person is “awake” to his or her role in a problem, and the priority for both is relationship growth. Entanglements are characterized by power struggles. Both people are vying for the title of victim, thus making the other the perpetrator. Nobody ever wins.
4. It’s just so hard
If you’re feeling drained with your partner, you’re likely caught up in an entanglement. In a harmonious relationship, both people take responsibility for any issues that arise, and they come up with creative solutions that further add to the positive feelings they share.
We are only here to learn to love. But choose wisely who you love. For better or worse, but not for lunch.
